domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
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[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body