After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
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Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
same bro
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha