This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
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“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
*updates tinder bio*