[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
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Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
spot the difference
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.