14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
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Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
The Assassin.