[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
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every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*