I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
My dog learned how to text
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit