Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
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After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
that’s really how it is
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I’m listening
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat