Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
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[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
The two types of wives
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Ok, but like, how married are you?