A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
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“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Love is in the air fryer.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?