King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
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INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My teenage children choosing violence
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
my mom making me talk to relatives
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS