Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
You Might Also Like
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.