the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
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I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
o shit
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.