The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
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I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions