The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
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(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?