[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
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He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
lol
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?