[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
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#catsoftwitter
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine