I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
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What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Stonehinge
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”