My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
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A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send