WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
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it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
incredible
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point