Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
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No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
White parent Vs Arab parents
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
pep talk
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.