“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
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“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ