my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
You Might Also Like
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
This is the best one I’ve seen
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.