Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
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*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.