On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
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[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Admin smashed it 😂
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.