I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
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“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Siri: Retweet me.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.