When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
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how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.