Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
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at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.