I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
You Might Also Like
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”