Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
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Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison