Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
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Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience