Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.