Feel. He’s so soft.
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I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Hello Twits.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner