lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Got him!
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.