If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
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[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
no one ever comes back
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.