Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
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I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Yeah. This was me today.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Looking at you, Jesus.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.