my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
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The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Every time.