I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
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some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
c’mon!