Cherry seeds are just the pits.
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I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.