Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
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[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
wtf is an acronym
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you