i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
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I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible