Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
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Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
can’t believe I got front row seats
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL