A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
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Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Stop sending me this shit.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak