Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
You Might Also Like
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi