Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
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[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Are you ok, human???
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!