Can’t stop laughing
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ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking