On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
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“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.