If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
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The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
you’re so productive for your wage
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.