i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
You Might Also Like
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk