Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
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Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.